The Perfect Penis

There’s a recent scientific study that has gone viral: a group focusing on cosmetic penile restoration (specifically for correcting deformities and injuries) polled 100 women on what constitutes the perfect penis. They asked the ladies to rate 8 separate characteristics on a scale of 1-5. The categories were; length, girth, pubic hair, shape of the head, ball sack, position of the meatus (urethral opening)…amongst others.

So what consensus did the studies find?  The same you’d find from any poll given to women; vague blurry generalities and a compliment of the scientists’ shoes. In other words… a lot of variation: length was considered the sixth most important thing, girth the third, and goddamn pubic hair as the second(?!) most important part of penile appearance. The overall consensus was there was no consensus, and that no one particular part of the penis is most essential to the overall aesthetic.

We, however, have a few specific ideas…


8 1/2 inches. The perfect length, no questions asked. Just enough for a repeat-use orifice to take, adjust to, and receive max stimulation with.

Pulley weight support optional.


While every man would prefer a cannon between his legs, it can be problematic  for the recipient. Though everyone wants a big cock on their partner, they don’t exactly want to be penetrated by a flag pole…and those that do are truly heroes to us all…

THIS is what a hero looks like.
THIS is what a hero looks like.

…where was I? Oh, girth.  Uh, let’s say Pringles can. I’m really just trying to get to my main point here…


…And here we are.  As a proud boner-owner, I’m pretty bummed that I was circumcised. Every time I see one I’m jealous; uncircumcised cockheads look like massive clits. I’ve heard a huge amount of the penile nerve endings are in the foreskin, and keep the head sensitive; I don’t even KNOW what magical sexsations I’m missing out on!  All I know is I have trouble finishing time to time, and maybe that wouldn’t be a problem if my penis skin didn’t have the consistency of dried spackle.  You see the uncircumcised cocks, and the head’s all pink and sensitive, and looks like a shiny cherry tomato…

Anyone else craving salad?

How does that NOT make for better sex?! How can the perfect penis be anything BUT uncircumcised?! Mine doesn’t look anything like that! The head of my penis looks like it’s been out in a sandstorm for a decade; just calloused and discolored…like B.B. King’s thumbs…

This article is dedicated to the memory of B.B. King, and circumcised penises everywhere.


Though 100% accurate and binding in a court of law, these are simply my opinions. I’m sure some meek people prefer a not-too-big-or-threatening kidney poker. The more adventurous would prefer something that looks like it should stomping on downtown Tokyo. The scientific study? Even THEY couldn’t find the criteria for what makes a perfect penis. All we can do is strive for our own personal perfection…built-by-science-inset-arm-

2 thoughts on “The Perfect Penis”

  1. Perfect penis… is connected to a partner who knows how to use it. Enough said… however, I do love me a uncut cock!

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